How To Be A Nigerian Christian

Welcome! Yes, you, I’m talking to you.

It breaks my heart, absolutely breaks it that so many Christians are following the wrong path in today’s world. But that shouldn’t worry you, because you’re different. And by the end of today’s episode, you’re going to know how to be the best Christian you can be, complete with the pretence and needless judgement. In our last episode we talked about rich Nigerian pastors and how you could be one of them but today, we want to focus on the Christians themselves.

The first step, as you probably already know, is hypocrisy. You know how your religion is based on the values of love, acceptance and patience? Qualities a society needs to be at peace?

Yeah… we’re going to need you to forget that.

I mean, come on now, you’re a Christian! What’s the point if you don’t get to jump on your high horse once in a while? You’re a human being prone to errors and mistakes just like everyone else but we’re going to need you to forget that too. You’re not an average person with fears, anxieties and weaknesses, you’re a superhuman-sin-fighting-Christian machine and nobody, I mean nobody, should ever forget it and so, you need to remind them with every single opportunity you get.

And that leads us to step two. Do you know it already? Well, of course, you do, you’re smart, that’s why you judge people on their belief systems even though yours holds just as much evidence as everyone else’s which, really, isn’t much. You must, I mean, must be judgemental. There are lots of lost souls out there in the world, lots of unbelievers and it is your sole purpose to ring them back into His graces.

Never mind the fact that in a different context, you’re an unbeliever too in someone else’s faith. Screw that.

You’re a Christian and Christianity is number 1. When you see someone living a different lifestyle than yours, someone who believes in something different or doesn’t believe in anything at all, you’re going to want to evoke your non-existent right to interfere in their personal life and ‘give your thoughts’ while telling them, softly, that you’ll keep them in your prayers. Hate everyone that isn’t a straight Christian that adheres to the social norms set up arbitrarily with little purpose. But disguise this hate because, remember, you’re also a hypocrite.

Here’s a nifty example of a conversation with the topic of homosexuality provided to us by the studio that you can come back to if you ever need help.

 Christian Man 1: What in God’s name is happening in today’s world, these homosexuals are eroding our society. (Homosexuality has been here since ancient times, but don’t worry, not fact-checking is part of the Christian package). Ugh, they disgust me, I really hate them.

Christian Man 2: Hey, don’t say that Christian Man 1, we’re Christians and Christians don’t hate or judge (apart from, you know, the hundreds of years that you have).

Christian Man 1: Then what do we do about them? It doesn’t directly affect me in any way but I feel the need to somehow voice my own opinion on someone else’s life.

Christian Man 2: Don’t worry, fellow Christian man, let’s just do what every other person does and hate the sin not the sinner, even though that makes no sense and is just as judgemental in this case.

You see how easy that was? Why don’t you go and try it out for yourself?

For our third step, we’re going to set up a system that involves an us-against-them dynamic, but don’t worry, your pastors will help with this one too. The thing is, it’s not enough to just follow the faith (faith, being belief without evidence meaning you could just as easily be as wrong as a person that worships rocks), you also want to feel special and not just special, chosen.

So, you’re going to want to say, subliminally of course—you’re a hypocrite, remember—that everyone else is going to your own version of eternal damnation. But in ‘us against them’ who’s the ‘them’ you may ask? That’s the beauty of it, everyone! People from other faiths, people who don’t have faiths or even other Christians, your options are virtually unlimited. Use all your skills against these heathens, remember what we learned. Show them that your brand of Christianity and yours only is the one true way.

I’m sorry if I’m getting emotional, it’s just…you came here as a blank slate and in just four steps you’re already such a scumbag. People are going to hate you, but don’t worry, they’re misguided and all wrong, they know not what they do, you feel me?

The last step is the empowerment of men and women like you (scumbags). People want power and riches, they love that stuff. And in your flock, there are people like that, learn more about them here. But anyway, they’re going to rise through your ranks through deception, alienation and by just being better scumbags than you and sooner than you can say ‘God hates fags even though they’re his children and he made them plus it also doesn’t add up that he’s literally love and can still hate any group of people’, they’re going to be your leaders. These peeps are going to do horrible things in the name of your religion. They’re going to be caught in numerous sexual scandals, extortion cases, and so many other hideous, hideous things.

Do you know what I want you to do about all this?

Come closer, let me whisper it in your ear.

Nothing.

That’s right, absolutely nothing. Turn a blind eye to it, I mean, they’re God’s chosen people, right? And if God is behind them, that means they can’t be judged, right? Even though that doesn’t follow since they’re still just normal people but forget that. In fact, attack the people attacking your men and women of God, call them liars, haters, sinners. Invent new names to call them if you can. They just don’t understand what you see. They’re ignorant.

And that’s all we have time for today, folks. We hope you’ve learnt a lot about how to be a Christian and how to get other Christians in on it too. Go forth and spread the news, you’re now ready to go in the world to teach, then impose, your misinterpreted form of the misinterpreted gospel.