God is Small Small.

Piece by Anjola Ogunsanwo

*This piece has been published in Nigerian Pidgin English.

“God is small, small. Take him easy, one day, one time.” Mama say. 

“Why is he a him? Why not she?” I ask. 

“If he’s a she, so what?” Her face look angry now but she still answer. 

He, it, she, they. I will still ask why. So it is just eenie meanie. I laugh at the way her mouth do when she  say ‘eenie meanie.’ Mama and me do tings in different ways. Everyting about us is so opposite mama  describe our relationship like her Jesus and his sinners. She no like to talk, me I talk so much I win award  for it in the school. She no like trouble, but trouble always find her because of me. Mama say only God  helping her. She say I am still small and in my life, I will learn that there are some tings so big, I cannot  do without God (capital G) But I no small and I already do many big tings without her God. Even though,  I start school late and still learning many tings, I no small at all. I go to school every day, and no god help  me to do that. No god talk, tink or write my work. Mr. Toulouse knock my head until the French enter.  Nah god help him do that? 

Every morning, mama go to work at the attachment factory and come back in the night when I am ready  to sleep. When she go out with Mr. Akin every Friday night and he come to drop her in the morning – two of them shouting about long time and money, I no see any god there. Mama extra beautiful on  Fridays when Mr. Akin come to pick her. She always wear short skirt and small top that can even fit me – the ting the girls in my class wear for lesson, but mama never allow me wear. She say only children of  the devil wear that. Which means she take break and become devil child every Friday. She tie a scarf and leave her hair out in the middle. Before, when the hair was plenty and very long, she iron the hair so  much I have to cover my nose with my hand. Now, the hair on her head is so small from all the burn.  

When she come back around 5a.m in the morning, she smell of alcohol, but she is never drunk. At least,  she never talk like she is drunk or walk like that and when she enter inside the house, noting can make  her go back out. Noting! Sometimes, I tink even if I’m dying in front of the house, mama will not come  outside. First, she enter the bathroom to spend long time there before she come out. Like she trying to  deliver another baby to replace me, trouble child. After that, she come out and we make Moi-moi  together. We never put Moi-moi inside nylon or plastic container. Mama say you are cooking nonsense  Moi-moi if you no put it inside leaves. No lie there. When we arrange all the moin moin inside the pot,

she tie a leaf round an put it on top of the pot to make the Moi- moi heat faster. Plenty lie there,  because we still sit down and wait for one hour for it to cook. 

“If God, he or she or it alive, why can’t he or she or it answer my prayer?” 

“Bonju, which prayers?” Mama ask. 

I have many prayers or questions- like my papa for example, why can’t my papa come home from  heaven? Why can’t we have plenty money? Why can’t Steven like me or come and see me. Why he have  to like somebody else in school? Why mama hair keep cutting? But I don’t answer her. I say noting and  everywhere quiet when we wait. Then I ask her where she is overnight, she move the stool close to the  wall, and rest her head on it. She close her eyes for some seconds then open it. 

“Attachment factory, as usual.” She’s lying and she know I know.  

I like mama’s face when she lie. I also like the way her skin look like the color of the Moi-moi cooking,  the way her eyes are brown like the chocolate I like, and the way the small hair on her head is round and  shiny. Before, when the hair was long, I play with it and do different styles. But now, it cut so fast when  she comb it, I am always afraid to even touch it. Mama is beautiful, not like me. I look like my daddy,  ugly like my daddy. I never see him before but how else I can explain my ugliness? Firstly I am black and  the first time I tell mama that I’m black like shit, she slap the shit out of my mouth. I no say it anymore  but I still tink it and when I tink it, I remember the slap and start to tink something else. 

When the food is done, we put it inside warmer. The rest of the day, she spend it lying on our long  brown chair in the sitting room till she sleep and it is just me and mama. She allow me to visit Joy from  school on Saturdays. I used to go before but not again since big mouth Joy tell her brother I like him; A  secret I say she should keep. Stupid girl. Now Steven look at me different, like I like him. I stay at home  with Mama instead. 

I watch her sleep. She is breathing fast and her breathing making annoying sounds. Mama always ask  God to continue to give her breath, but I tink it is her nose that is giving her breath. If I close her nose  with my hand, or handkerchief, she will stop breathing. But she keep saying it’s her God that give her  breath. So after I look mama face small as it is resting, someting enter inside me and I take two fingers  

to squeeze her nose together. She is still sleeping at first then like shock, her eyes burst open and she  start coughing. Her eye turn red in one instant. I run to give water. 

“Why you do that?” Mama say in between cough. 

“I want to see God” I say. Mama look at me the way she look when she is tinking about giving me a slap 

“I cover your nose to see if God will come, you say God give you breath.” I say and my hand is already on  my cheek, ready for the slap. 

“You’re very stupid.”Mama say, before the slap land on my left cheek.

“I just want to know what will happen.” I am crying even though the slap is not painful. Mama has not  been strong to slap me well, but she still slap me anyway. 

She say I should just get out so I go inside our room to finish my home work. But I don’t do any  homework, I just look around and tink of Steven and the way he bounce when he walk and how he  shout when he is doing the headboy tings in school. My tummy is happy. I can tink about Steven every time, every day. One time, mama catch me smiling to myself and ask what is funny. I say I just opened  my teeth because I have teeth pain, and then she get her torch light and start searching inside my  mouth. We reach chemist that night.  

Mama enter the room when I am still tinking. 

“You wan may I go where your papa dey?” 

“No.” 

“Sorry for the slap.” She say. 

Someting is wrong with mama because number one, she never ever in her life say sorry for slap or for  anything. Number two,she no have much strength like before. The Moi-moi is still very hot when we are  ready to it and when we remove it from the warmer and the smoke cover my glasses. I can see mama  smile when that happen. Then we eat it and watch film together. 

~ 2 ~

Before I go to sleep, I tink about school on Monday. Steven will be coming for French club meeting. I  pray he no sit in front of me. Every time he sit in front of me, I can’t concentrate. One time I was looking  at his hair, tinking if he use the same oil mama use. I tink about it so much I no know when Mr. Toulouse call me to answer question. I say bonjour to greet him, and everybody start laughing. Since then everybody start to call me bounjour or bonju, even mama. 

And Steven, I wonder why he has not meet me yet. Why he no say anyting? 

If there is a god, I ask him or her –whatever – to make Steven to come and meet me.  

Someting happen in school on Monday and that is how I know that this god no help anybody. I’m pissing  in my pant. Steven is in my front and Mr Toulouse is talking someting french. I ask him to go to toilet  since but he say, “Bonjour, you are going nowhere. Just ten minutes till the class is over” But the piss  don’t care if it is just one minute or ten. The piss come now. 

I put my two hands together in between my leg. I feel it come slow first and then I fight it. Pressing my  leg together tight. pressing, holding, shaking. I fight well but when the piss vex, it come out rushing like  the tap at home. I no know what I should do next. The class is too full nobody notice anyting but if anybody smell anyting and look under, I will die, go meet papa. I still continue shaking.

After I finish the business, Mr. Toulouse say I can get out and use the ladies. I tell him I am now okay and  I will go when the class is over. He say class is over. I say thank you sir and still continue to sit down I stay  like that until Mr Tolousse leave the class and everybody leave too. Then someting else happen again,  Steven come back and stand in front of my table. I say what? 

He say Joy tell him I like him. 

I say so what?  

He say he like me. 

I want to piss again. I tink of my skirt and tink up sometin quick. Then I start coughing like someone that  really want to die and meet papa. I shout “Water water!” Then he run out to get water and someting inside me is doing funny because of Steven, because of he like me. When he come back with the water, I drink small and turn the rest to fall down on my uniform and then on the floor.  

He say the water has poured. 

I say wow and jump up. “See all my body.” 

~ 3 ~

Mama been feeling very sick these days, she sleep all the time and If she awake, she just cough everywhere in the whole house. And sometimes she even cough blood. I no want to go to school again but Aunty Bisi, our big mummy now live here to take care of mama and she say I have too much trouble,  so I must go to school. Even then, it is like I am on holiday, bad holiday. Mama no go out any more. The  only out she go to is the sitting room; no hair on her head again too. 

A man come here this morning, say he is my papa. The only reason I can believe him is because I never  see anybdody ulglier than him before, so ugly I begin to believe I am fine like mama say. The man wear  glasses and come in big car. He wear agbada and smell like strong perfume. If he rich as he look, why he  leave me and mama poor? Why he let mama work so much that she is now weak? 

“Why you wait for so long from heaven?” I ask the man who say he my papa. 

He look at me like I am stupid and push me aside. He say he is only here because my mama need or-gent  care. Himself and big mummy fight, someting about rich man leaving baby since many years but this man don’t care about anybody. He speak many big English in the world and then he warn big mummy  that he will be going back if she continue to shout, then big mummy keep quiet. 

Me, I am just looking as I hold mama hand. I am quiet like mama. We are just looking. 

The man come close and ask me to remove my hand because he want to take mama. I am just quiet like  good girl mama always want me to be. He ask me again and mama hold me tight. I still maintain. Still  quiet. Then he drag my hand from mama own. That is when he see madness. I bite his black hand first  then I begin to box him and fight him. And everyting is happening very fast. I am like ant on the man’s 

big body. He is trying to remove me but I continue pinching and biting him in different places on his  body. “Nobody is taking mama” I am shouting. When the man push me hard and I land hard on the  chair, the one mama always sleep on Saturdays, my eyes start to roll. I see Moi-Moi, I see Stephen, Everyting is rolling together and I see the man taking mama. Big mummy come to me and I don’t know if  I am dreaming but she is rubbing my back and telling me mama will come back when she is feeling fine. 

I am too angry with everybody, with everyting. The anger is too much, it feel like the kind mama say I  cannot take without God. So I look up. My eyes rolling again. If mama come back, I will believe her God  and take him small small because now, everyting just too big for only me.