The forces in control of the greatest black nation on earth have deemed it fit that you be alive to witness yet another exercise in tomfoolery otherwise known as a Nigerian election. You should be grateful to these kind and benevolent forces who could have easily crowned anyone they wanted as your new president, governor, or legislator, but instead decided to grant you a chance to be “part of the process”. Whether or not your participation will change the eventual outcome remains to be seen, but for now it is in your best interests to show gratitude by fully committing yourself to the election process.
The first step on your path to total participation is believing everything you come across, starting with this article. The importance of information during this crucial period cannot be overstated, thus, it is necessary that you equip yourself with as much of such information as possible. Therefore you must believe every single thing you read, see, and hear about the election. Whether it’s a tweet, Facebook post, opposition propaganda, government propaganda, expert commentary from your neighbour who also cannot find his WAEC certificate; anything really. Gather the information, assimilate it, and then believe it. Do not be among the people that will perish from lack of knowledge.
Now that you know all there is to know about the elections the next step is to go out and defend your newly acquired knowledge. At this point in time every Tomiwa, Dike, and Haruna knows exactly who they plan on voting for in the next few days and anyone who says otherwise is a liar and all liars will go to hell. To properly defend your knowledge you must go out and start or join in political arguments, fights, and the occasional riot that presents itself. Never mind that, as already established, everyone has decided on their preferred candidates by now so it is impossible to change any minds. In defending your knowledge, your job is to insult, goad and harass opposition supporters as much as possible. The best arenas for this are the street corners where newspapers are sold and inside public transportation. Remember to shout and scream, curse and swear by both the old gods and the new. Additionally, if you can grab your opponent by the neck and land one or two slaps on his or her face – maybe even bite the person – then you would have done a thorough job.
The next step requires delicate balancing. You must complain incessantly about the worrisome state the country is in, while simultaneously pledging full support for your preferred candidate who has failed to come up with a comprehensive plan to tackle these issues. With these politicians, it’s always best to take what they say as gospel because they are after all strictly religious people who pray every day and would never deceive you. Remember that your candidate’s integrity is unquestionable despite all the evidence to the contrary being circulated by the wicked and malicious supporters of the opposition candidate who obviously cannot be a legitimate businessman. Forget the senators, representatives, and the rest and focus all your energy on the presidential elections and maybe (if you have the time) the governorship elections. You know the offices that have the real power in this country so why bother yourself unnecessarily?
So far it has been assumed that you will actually be able to cast your ballot because you possess the hottest ID in town AKA your PVC. However, if this is not the case and for one reason or another you were unable to endure the mental and physical torture that comes with getting a PVC, thereby leaving you disenfranchised, please do not be dismayed. You can still participate. We need an online coalition and emergency centres which you can safely provide from the comfort of your home while devouring plate after plate of delicious pap and akara. You shall be our eye in the sky and, by making use of purely scientific methods like guessing and imagining, you can ease our tension by telling us who is winning or losing and the amount of rigging being done even at polling units that you have never heard of.
It is also important to try and remain calm during this period and on Election Day. So what if the internet is shut down for a couple of days, you weren’t born with it and if you could survive those dark ages then you can surely survive two or three days without it now. Stop being so worried about underage voting in some parts of the country or even that citizens of neighbouring countries might be ‘imported’ to tip the scales in favour of one party. The term ‘underage’ is a mere technicality and nobody with a valid PVC can ever be underage because INEC does not make such mistakes. Besides, are you the head of immigration? Then why bother yourself with our inquisitive neighbours who might want to cross our borders so that they can witness Africa’s strongest democracy in action? Allow people to enjoy things, please.
No election is complete without the ever watchful eyes of the international news outlets who just love to participate in the rollercoaster of excitement. To our foreign journalists, do not forget to report the events in a manner that focuses as much as possible on the negatives while completely ignoring any positives. After all, we Africans can’t do anything right, especially without your much-needed interference. Foreign governments must also endeavour to issue strong warnings against electoral malpractices along with the usual threats about banning us from your countries and hospitals and withholding aid. You know we just cannot survive without your hospitals and charity.
On Election Day, remember to carry along your big backpack filled with all the necessities to ensure proper participation. Your jerry can of water, three-course meal, and solar power bank easily top this list because of the length of time the voting process is expected to take. Your running shoes in case of an emergency, a mat for when you get tired and need to sleep, and fireworks so that you can start to celebrate your candidate’s victory even before any official announcement is made are the next things to consider. Please be patient with the staff of the electoral commission as the wahala you are about to go through is most likely not completely their fault. In case the election is postponed in the middle of the night again while the children of God sleep and slumber, do not be afraid. If it hadn’t been shifted before, you wouldn’t be reading this very helpful guide right now so surely it can’t all be bad news. Cheer up, smile, and remember that everything happens for a reason. And when your candidate finally wins, remember to chalk it up to the will of God, regardless of whatever massive rigging actually procured the victory.
Thank you for reading (and believing) this article. Happy election week, happy elections in advance and may the best man, woman, or cabal win.