Dear brain. Give me rest. Stop wandering about like a stray. Oh heart of mine, stop beating as if escaping this body is the best thing that could stop this. I can’t stop tears from flowing.
“I don’t deserve this!” I shout at the sight of another “user busy” appearing on my screen.
I try so many methods to contact him, but he is still quiet.
“I shouldn’t have given him my heart!” I scream.
Then another thought of him not being safe torments my soul. I call and text. I wait for him to log in after 2 days of silence. He blue ticks my text. I try to video call him. He doesn’t pick up. I text and call. I send a voice message and then he blocks me.
“This can’t be him. A demon must have found a place in his loving soul!” I cry.
I sit and analyze conversations, the one-sided convos, and then I brush them off. I love him. He must have been busy.
“I love him, but was he spending his days saying that about me?”
He shook my table, allowed me to let him tread on sacred grounds. He touched me spiritually, mentally, and physically without boundaries.
The silence spoke in volumes but I didn’t want it to be him. I have given him second chances after he told me he believed in us, but he didn’t even leave any “girl bye” text. When the pain in my heart gets too much to bear, I try to release it by punching the wall. That’s when I realize, “I have been ghosted”.
I tell my sister about him.
“Good riddance!” she says.
“I don’t deserve this.” I cry.
“Good thing you know what you deserve baby girl.” she says.
Only when my friend gives me hope, do I call and text again. I wish she never talks about him coming back.
Days pass and I can’t stop gasping at the thought of what he did.
12 days later, I finally decide to give him the last piece of me. I create a fake facebook account but, not to stalk him.
“Until you do right by me, everything you touch will crumble,” I write after pointing out his cowardice. I block him and delete the account. He has turned me into a mad woman. A crazy fool that cares too much. Oh, how this cold world has made being a good, loving woman a bad thing. God knows I wouldn’t have asked him to stay. I have been dumped before, but leaving me feeling bad without knowing what I did was something else.
Even though this is the first time I have been this torn, I will not regret loving him. I will not regret looking for answers where the only thing that could have prevented this was just a simple text. He might call me crazy, but at this point in time, I couldn’t care less for what he thinks. I have lowered my frequency to be at his level, and now I am leveling up. Love is all I know. I wish I didn’t send that karma thing. I was just angry but that doesn’t stop her from coming for him; she’s a woman scorned. Anyway, leaving it to the universe is better than what I could do to him. Vengeance will have me doing things I shouldn’t.
I am glad that in it all, I fought the thought of going to his place to demand answers. I don’t want to get killed. The ice inside his soul will have him catching a cold. How do you leave someone you were with for almost two years without any simple “It’s over”?
A friend once said that the hardest thing in life is mourning the death of a living being. Someone who laughs as you cry, but I disagree. The hardest thing in life to me is allowing yourself to mourn longer than you should for someone who doesn’t even care how you feel. After losing loved ones who have cared about me so much, I will not let him be the center of my life. They could have loved me better, but death stopped them from loving me.