I’m not certain what to do.
A battle rages on within me, threatening me with tears as I struggle not to lash out, not to channel all of my pain and anger into the objects beside me.
I struggle not to lash out at her, the very object of my pain.
This feeling of inadequacy, reverberating across my consciousness like a game of pin ball; every hit producing memories that were once dear, but are now reminders of what once was, and may never be again.
Every hug, every kiss, every touch we shared, I can’t think of them now without thinking of his hands tracing her body, holding her as I would have, touching her in places reserved for her “special someone”.
It disgusts me.
“I’m sorry.” She says quietly
I stare at her, too angry for words, too hurt to move. I grind my teeth and breathe, trying to control my emotions, trying to steady them. I look at her, at her delicate features, her warm brown eyes, and caramel skin. I stare at her beautiful face. She keeps her head down, unable to meet my gaze.
“Why?” I ask.
One question loaded with a million more.
Why was I not enough for you? Why did you let me down? Why wasn’t it me? Why didn’t you trust my plans for us? How dare you!?
My question is met with silence.
I turn around and walk away; leaving behind a sobbing figure I still love, but do not trust anymore.
What does that even mean in the face of infidelity?