How could I have known that that morning was going to be the last I’d see you? With your disheveled hair, you walked me to my ride back home while asking me to stay longer and I promised I was coming back. I never did. If I knew that morning was going to be the last, I would have held you a little longer, reveled in the musk of your skin, grabbed handfuls of your hair, breathe your air, locked lips and only come up for air; just something, anything to prepare me for the long journey I was going to take after that morning to get to this place.
How could I have known that at an even earlier evening I was going to run into someone that would change my thoughts on love and romance? It was just another regular Friday. I had endured a grueling lab session and all I had in mind was to get some food, watch a couple of series, text my boyfriend and fall asleep. But fate had other things in store for me that evening. She had put you standing there waiting for me to come by. Fast forward to our first date where we watched a group of sweaty boys play a late evening basketball. I have no idea what we talked about but I know we ran out of time with way more things to talk about. I literally sprawled on my bed when I got back in. Those were strange feelings and there were exhilarating as well.
Almost immediately, a text message comes in * ‘I should have kissed you’. I do not recall the exact combination of words but oh, how much time has gone by I get lost in the details. I remember affirming I wanted to be kissed however. After that, we saw more frequently. Ate a whole lot. We really did eat a lot together now that I think of it but still more importantly no kiss. I remember that morning after one of our numerous breakfast dates, watching you skate and finding myself struggle with the desire to jump on you and press my lips to yours.
I had lost count of the amount of dates we had gone on before we finally kissed. You always said we’d know when the time was right. And when the time was right, we didn’t wait one second longer. It was a billowing of emotions. It felt like a crashing of waves cascading down a steep end to finally fall into stiller waters and rumble into ripples. What a kiss that was. Oh you were perfect; at least I thought you were. With eyes so dim they looked intoxicated, lean muscles and a slender-burly build, and lips so far up I couldn’t reach even on my toes until you scooped me up and leaned in also. Was not surprised when I saw the sheer volume but was in utter disbelief with the things you did with it. Truly breathtaking
I do not know for certain when I did fall in love with you. Maybe it was on one of the several surprise dates you liked pulling off. Or the times you were outside with medication for me because I said I was under the weather. Or maybe it was the time you got me my favorite chocolate and your tee because I said I liked it. Or watching you talk about the future with so much optimism and you listen to me go on about my ideas and dreams too. Or the long evenings we played games which you always won and made a spectacle of it also. I’m not certain when it happened but it did happen and it was beyond magical. My skin danced to be near you, my mind was clogged with thoughts of you, caterpillars had made my stomach their cocoon and darling, it was beautiful and like no other feeling.
How could I have known that that morning was going to be the last I’d see you? We had barely had five months together and now you were leaving or I was leaving. I knew at a point we would have to go. You would have thought I would have done better at shutting out those emotions and you were no help either. Maybe I should have tried harder to make the move to where you are. Maybe you didn’t feel the same way I felt and I was only being delusional. Maybe what we felt was so fleeting that we could not survive being separated by different time zones and international waters. Maybe I didn’t show you how much you meant to me. Oh but I did. Maybe we both have different ideas of how to express love. You chickened out even after I let you know my fears. You assured me that things would work out okay and that you’d be there but when I needed you most you vanished. I wish you were man enough to let me know you were going instead of leaving me standing out in the cold screaming your name, losing several nights of sleep drowning in a pillow soaked with my own tears and flailing my hands in the dark struggling to grasp onto something sturdy to keep from losing my way. You cowered out when I needed you to stay and figure the way out of the maze.
Don’t for a second doubt that I loved you. I no longer want to wait for you to figure it out. You almost killed me. I’m laughing more, thinking about you lesser and lesser every day too. Letting other people try to fill the hole you left me. I hope you find someone that makes you half as happy as you made me. Everyone would find their own way and I’m sure we’d be okay.
I’ve buried you safe inside these words. Lights will guide you home. Stay safe papi.