Originally posted on nudefeelings.wordpress.com
Closing my eyes, I’m trying to remember the scent of your skin on mine, the taste of your tongue, the fragrance of your musk, the feel on my palms from cupping your bulge. It is coming in fleeting glimpses. Scenes of your face contorted in joy and pure delight most probably happiness from pulling a prank on me or teasing me about my gap tooth. That brings up another scene in my mind, your chipped tooth. I don’t even remember how your teeth looks before you got the chip on that front tooth. Eyes still closed and walking far down memory lane, opening boxes I had succeeded in nailing shut with hot tyays struggling to seep through the slits of my closed eyelids.
I see images of me laughing now. I looked so happy, damn, I was glowing even. I remember being truly exuberant with you when you were happy, feeling all your pains when you were hurting, my genuine interest in wanting to hear about the next ingenuity your mind was cooking up, the indescribable need to want to care for you and be everything for you. I remember the feel of your stubble against the back of my hands. Good Lord, the dark well laid mat of hair on your face remains the best I’ve ever kissed and rubbed my face against. Your story, your opinions on several issues is still a golden memory. Having my mum call and yell at you because of that one incident. Holding me against the office desk and trailing kisses down my neck. Stair way quick smooches with my back pinned against the railing and drowning in the sheer musk of your skin. That one time I had no swim wear and I had to play in my regular panties. Bleeding out on your sheets. From having long conversations about the economy to the best positions to maximize thrust; talks on religion and moral expectations to favorite playtime category. Crazy conversation switches.
But then I turned around and walked away. That’s how best I can describe it. I regret ever hurting you. I became the very thing I feared. I was scared and disappointed. Looking back wasn’t an option for me because I could never forgive myself. Then you went ahead and forgave me. I sank a lot deeper. Like how you could still be forgiving and amazing despite my actions. You are one of the best things I was opportune to have happen to me. Letting you go could be one of the worst mistake I ever made, second only to finally posting this piece.
She must be amazing. You only do amazing. For the first time after you told me about her, I felt like I could finally breathe. Like maybe just maybe I can forgive myself and be free to let myself go for another person and truly love. My first reaction was happy, truly and genuinely in all honesty, the second was a gripping fear. Only then did I realize my subconscious had always held out; that I had thought I would always have a place to fall back.
Then I hit the reset button.
You are one of the best things I was opportune to have happen to me and you deserve the very best out of this world. Letting you go could be one of the worst mistake I ever made, second only to finally posting this piece.