One day, we will all die. That, we know, is certain. But on all the other days, we won’t.
This year was supposed to turn out differently. That was for sure. I was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to have set my life in order. I was not supposed to be spending the last few minutes of the year sitting on a ledge ten storeys above the concrete pavement contemplating the worth of my life. But there I was, staring down at my feet as they swung gently, apprehensively considering what oblivion held for me.
I was lost. I had no foundation on which to place my faith, it had been ripped from beneath me. My certainty. My hope. I had been certain that she loved me, that when I said that I loved her, her heart had skipped beats, that we would spend the rest of our days intoxicated in our happy ever after. I had been certain that I was invaluable at the office, that the big wigs would have a had time replacing me. And most of all, I had been certain that there was a God, that there was a Father who would make my way smooth and “turn my hills to plains”.
I was wrong.
Or at least I thought I was.
The realisation when it hit had knocked the life out of me. Now I was just the empty husk of a man, skin and bones with no soul.
We all will die.
Today was my day. I looked around at the world for one last time, breathed in the air, listened to its noises. It had been cruel and unfair to me but i had to admit it was beautiful. It was almost sad to leave it behind.
11:58, almost time. Quickly, before doubt could creep into my mind I got to my feet still atop the ledge. Ten storeys. No chance of survival. Sad thing was that I knew I would not make any headlines with my suicide, but I would be at peace. At least that was what I had convinced myself to believe. Peace, it was all I wanted.
Showtime. I shimmied slightly to my left so that I would avoid any protrusions from the building that would make my fall even more gruesome than it was going to be. Deep breaths. Last breaths before oblivion. Just before I let myself go, I felt my foot slip…and in that split second in which I struggled for my footing, a hundred different thoughts flashed through my mind, chief of them though was the simple want to be alive. I can’t die now! Too much to live for. Memories long relegated to the depths of my subconscious resurfaced in a wave of emotion so thick that even when I had fallen backwards onto the roof I did not notice. I lost all conscious control over my emotions. Between fits of mixed laughter and tears, I felt myself reach a moment of clarity I had not reached before. Why should I give up when there was so much to keep me going? Why give up because of things that I could change?
But on all the other days, we won’t…
“SCREW YOU!” I screamed to everything and nothing in particular. Today was not the day to die.
Almost surrealistically I saw the fireworks explode in the night sky, bathing the world with their colors. Shouts of “Happy New Year” rung out from the apartments beneath me. This day was not the end, it was the beginning of a wonderful chapter in a beautiful book…